Living With Children

Q: During a recent talk in Albuquerque you talked about self-esteem and self-respect. I thought at first that you were using the terms interchangeably, but later on I realized you weren't. What is the difference as applied to children?

A: The answer to your question begins some thirty years ago, when "helping" professionals began promoting what they termed "high self-esteem" as the be-all, end-all of good mental health. In short order, the "self-esteem movement" developed, the goal of which was to spread this psychological good news far and wide. To assist in this crusade, one was to think only positive thoughts and say only positive things about oneself and others, read I'm OK, You're OK, and recite such mantras as "Every day, in every way, I am getting better and better."

Sound silly? It was, although it didn't sound silly at all to a much younger John Rosemond and most of my generation. This was serious stuff! We "boomers" were convinced self-esteem was going to save the world. Thirty years later, I'm equally convinced-irrespective of what its gurus might say were their intentions-the self-esteem movement has contributed to a host of social problems. The pursuit of self-esteem became an excuse to "do your own thing"-regardless of whether or not the "thing" in question was antisocial-and quickly mutated into self-worship.

Self-respect is gained not by being told-or telling yourself-how wonderful you are, but by developing respect for others. This idea-that giving respect is a precondition of getting respect (and developing self-respect)­is consonant with the Golden Rule: Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. The journey toward self-respect begins with the child developing respect for his or her parents. Responsibility for putting, and keeping, this process in motion lies with parents who are effective at turning the child into a disciple, one who will follow their lead. These parents know where they stand and where they want the child to stand. They communicate their expectations calmly and unapologetically and discipline justly. By the time the child is, these parents have let it be known that they are not the only people in the parent-child relationship with obligations. As a consequence of all of the above, the child looks up to his parents­he pays attention to them and does (for the most part) what he is told, when he is told.

As this "gifted" child grows, the respect he has developed for his parents transfers to other authority figures, then to peers, and so on until it eventually, hopefully, encompasses one's "fellow man." Under optimal circumstances, this giving of respect comes full-circle sometime during late adolescence or early adulthood, and self-respect begins to mature. It is at this point, whenever in one's life it occurs, that one becomes a "pilgrim"­ one who is on the "high road," moving ever so slowly toward spiritual fulfillment.

The difference between self-esteem and self-respect is night and day. A person with "high self-esteem" thinks highly of himself. A person growing in self-respect understands that he is an imperfect-sinful, if you will-being who was given the gift of life in order to serve. A person with high self-esteem thinks he is deserving; therefore, he is ungrateful. A person growing in self-respect thinks he is undeserving; therefore, he is grateful. A person with high self-esteem has nowhere to go but down. A person growing in self-respect has nowhere to go but up.

In that last regard, it is significant to note that ever since educators and parents were persuaded that their primary goal should be that of "making children feel good about themselves," every indicator of positive mental health in America's children (and across the demographic spectrum) has been in a state of decline. It's as if a trap door opened up under our children some thirty years ago, and they've been in a state of free-fall ever since-a prime example of what happens when a culture places trust in­to borrow from the writings of Justice Louis D. Brandeis­"men of zeal, well-meaning but without understanding."