Work & Family Some top executives are finding a balance between job and home By Sue Shellenbarger The Wall Street Journal   Whenever a major article runs in The Wall Street Journal or elsewhere about women who have broken the glass ceiling, I hear two reactions: First, applause. And second, a question: Why did they have to give up so much? Family life is often a casualty among men and women in the executive suite. Former Labor Secretary Robert Reich, who last January joined a string of top government and corporate officials who have quit to spend more time with family, declared in a New York Times op-ed piece that if you love your job and your family, ``there's no way of getting work and family into better balance. You're inevitably shortchanging one or the other, or both.'' If that is true, we are all in trouble. So I set out to find men and women near the top, or moving rapidly toward it, who are sustaining a passionate commitment to family. Among those I found, many (particularly the men) wouldn't be interviewed because they feared exposing the personal choices they have made. Those who did agree work in company cultures that are comparatively supportive to family. They also enjoy relative normalcy at home. Nevertheless, their stories, summarized in this column and next week's, say a lot about what it takes to lead more than a one-dimensional life at the top: stamina, clarity about values and a determination to buck conventional corporate behavior. Nailing down core values: As complex as Anne Mulcahy's life is -- holding down a Xerox vice presidency, mothering two sons, ages nine and 13, sustaining a marriage and commuting 1 1/2 hours a day -- it all orbits around one core principle: ``Our kids are absolutely the center of our lives,'' she says of herself and her husband Joe Mulcahy, a Xerox general manager, ``and we never mess with that. That IS what we're about.'' Ms. Mulcahy, 44 years old, is rising fast; last month, the former sales manager was named Xerox's chief staff officer, one of its top 10 executives and the first woman to report to CEO Paul Allaire. Subordinates say she has unusual ability to focus on core business issues, a knack that helped drive her 21-year rise through sales, general management, marketing and staff-management jobs. She also has a knack for spotting her kids' needs and organizing her work around them. She makes time for school field trips, and dentist and doctor visits. She has turned down transfers and other opportunities for the sake of her family. ``You always have to be in control of your boundaries,'' she says. ``The minute you let any company, any manager, try to set them for you, you've lost it.'' She instead works to fashion what she calls a good relationship with the company and a reasonable career path, without compromising family. In seeking that delicate equilibrium, ``Xerox has always reached to meet me halfway,'' she says. That clarity didn't come easy. A failed first marriage years ago gave Ms. Mulcahy ``a lot of motivation'' to avoid risking personal life for career, she says. In her first pregnancy, too, she ``tried to make it invisible,'' taking only six weeks' maternity leave -- a stance she now says was a mistake. ``When you don't make (work-family conflict) visible, you're doing a disservice to what is required to make it work.'' She took a longer leave after her second baby and now takes plenty of vacation and personal time. When she has to leave the office for family needs, she tells people what she is doing. Men and women will both continue to suffer, she adds, if work-family conflicts remain ``disguised so that nobody understands.'' Her candor has earned her a following. She drew a laugh during a speech to Xerox women when she admitted feeling ``out of control'' blending work and family. ``To hear somebody at her level say that, to realize `I'm not the only one,' was a powerful experience,'' says a woman who was present. Ms. Mulcahy's is not a ``you-can-have-it-all'' story, a myth she says deserves final burial. ``I am no more than two-dimensional,'' she says. ``I do work and I do family. When it comes to writing down hobbies on resumes, I make them up.'' She envies people who have time for community service. And her life isn't ``a pretty, clean picture; there are tons of messiness and stress.'' Nevertheless, her discipline has won her substantial time with her kids. ``I'm not a believer in quality time over quantity time,'' she says. She and her husband, whom she calls an essential source of support, give their nanny a normal workday and make sure one parent is present at all their kids' important events. In the process, Ms. Mulcahy has learned to tolerate the whiplash that can set in when plunging from the status of the executive suite into the down-and-dirty demands of parenting. When she shows up at school, her boys chide her: ``Mom, do you have to come looking like you just came from work? Can't you go home and change into jeans?'' Nevertheless, her presence, she believes, is filling up ``an emotional bank'' her sons will draw on indefinitely. When her older son was having some school difficulties, she spent months supervising his homework, then worrying that she might be pressuring him too much. The payoff: His excitement and pride when he made the honor roll. ``It was a moment when you could sit back and say, `Wow, it's working!'''